A Growth Within

    Through my journey the past 2 years with getting out of my abusive marriage, being a single mother of three amazing young children, and then finally dealing with my past and mental illnesses, which led to my multiple suicide attempts in the past 6 months, and getting my children removed from my home because of the attempt, I have finally figured out what I have been doing wrong. Giving up my power and my will.

    In the very beginning ,even as a child, I always gave my power up to other people and allowed them to control me. Between my mother and my father, trying to keep both of them happy, as well as trying to be whoever my friends wanted me to be, in order to make them happy. I always put others before myself and in return I have never let myself be happy or find out who I am.

   Another thing I have been doing wrong in my life is picking relationships with men who are extremely toxic. Between my first boyfriend and his drugs, then to my biggest mistake, my ex-husband. The four year reign of terror my ex-husband put my children and myself through. Between the physical abuse and the horrible emotional and psychological abuse, I had finally let go what little of myself that I had and gave all my power and control over to him.

    When I finally decided enough was enough for my children’s sake, I packed up what little I could put into my car and left 180 miles with three babies and no where to go to. I tried so hard to be the perfect single mom I could be for my children and also wanted to find myself and be free from my ex’s control and abuse.

     In the beginning I did pretty well. Got a great nursing job in less then a week of leaving my ex and then got a home for my children and myself in less then a month. I then filed for divorce and tried like hell to beat my ex, but unfortunately I yet again gave up all my power and control to him and went back to my marriage and dropped the divorce. Many people were so upset with my for getting back with him but they do not understand the hell I went through for eight months with his emotional abuse on not only me but my children as well. I know it was a wrong choice and a really bad path for me to start following but I broke.

    Within three months of being back home with my ex husband and children I finally hit rock bottom and had planned my first suicide attempt. I had no other clue what else to do. He was so controlling and I was so scared that honestly death seemed like it was the only way out. I was then sent to a behavioral hospital and in there planned my escape from my ex again.

  I could keep going on and on about bad choices I had made that has to do with my marriage and eventually my life and my kids. Taking the handfuls of pills in November finally felt like I was going to be free. As you can see my attempt was not successful(Praise God) and I yet again went into another hospital. I think I spent most of 2013 going in and out of hospitals.

   So 2014, New Year, Better start right? Wrong! I hit a huge depression from not having my children with me anymore and started spiraling down. Drinking first, then when that did not work I started the only other thing I know what to do, cut. I started slicing my wrist left and right. The more I cut the better I felt, for a few minutes. I had finally lost it one therapy session and ran home sliced my arms and went to start downing Xanax. After two cuts and several Xanax later in about 5 minutes after leaving my therapist, two police officers show up at my door. I tried to ignore them at first and turn my music up louder but they kept knocking. So I said “what the “fuck”, took some more Xanax, through a hoodie on and opened the door to two police officers. You know what happened next.

 Three weeks later after being in the hospital I got out and decided I was going to make better choices, find a way to be happy and get my life back. I finally stood up for myself, got rid of a few negative people, met some new people and one of whom I fell in love with but even how hard I tried to be happy I could not. So yeah yet again suicide attempt number three. One ambulance ride later and a night in the ICU I was sent home and this time figured something really important out!

  With my Borderline Personality Disorder and Major Depression, I am not going to be happy all the time. Life is going to be harder for me then it is for others. I will have to try harder, laugh louder and love harder. This time though I will make it through somehow. It will not be easy, and I will have my days but I will get my life and my children back and prove to those who tried to put me down for good that my God and I am stronger then they are.

  Took a very long time for me to figure those few small things out. I lost a lot and did things I wish I could take back but I grew more within myself and now have so much more will power and so much more to live for! That is the growth within me.

“Every flower takes time to bloom” -Cortney Taylor

What about you?

So it’s been a while since I have wrote a new blog post. Things have been a good crazy and a bad crazy in my world. So much has happened in the last two weeks, it was enough to make my head spin and make my brain fry.

So let’s start from the beginning. The last two Fridays ago I had my meet with all the counselors involved in my families case, the CPS workers, new and old, my ex husband, my ex boyfriend(Emalynn’s Father) and myself. It was a crazy meeting and I one point I wanted to jump over the table and punch my ex husband in the face. Now thinking about it there are a lot of times I want to punch my ex husband in the face and for a million reasons. Let’s see we will start with ruining our marriage with his abuse and control, doing it and doing it to our children, lying about everything when I finally left him like the checks and s*** anything really. Unfortunately though I cannot punch him in the face for many reasons, for one it morally wrong and two it’s kinda illegal(Damn it.) The only good thing that came out of that meeting is that I finally get to see my two younger children every Monday for an hour!! Thank God, it’s been three weeks since I have seem them and I am missing them something terrible.

Then after that we went to court over the children and praise God my attorney decided to step up and be my attorney and show up to defend me. Now I have to get an ISP plan and follow all the steps and things they want me to do to get my children back. Same with Keith, he gets an ISP plan and has to follow it to keep our children. Josh(Emalynn’s Dad) on the other hand has to go to trial to see if he gets to see Emalynn and so on. I pray so hard that he does not get tempory custody of her cause she has only seen him once in her life and honestly I do not believe it would be a good living placement for her. So that was the first court hearing.

The second court hearing was over the “Stolen Checks” that my ex husband lied about me stealing. That day I was a wreck. I was so scared of the outcome and so pissed that I was even going through it because my ex husband lied about it all, and did a very good job at it, and also cause I was fighting for my freedom and innocents that I already had. Praise God though I stood up for myself and fought because I will be damned if I get convicted of something I never did because my ex husband is so pissed off that I left his sorry a** and now he is out to ruin my life.

So yeah all that in one week time and it took a HUGE toll out of me. Luckily though things did kinda go in my favor to say and now I just keep going on, living and fighting. The one thing that is really hard for me is that when thing are starting to look bad the first thing I think about is getting it over with and killing myself because I honestly cannot handle anything else in my life. I know that is wrong and I know that is why they have taken my children from me but damn, really, I have gone through so much in my short life, abuse, rape, more abuse, abusive marriage, crazy a** ex husband, and losing my children. I try so hard to get the negative, self-destructing thoughts out of my head but some days it is so hard. I started working out to help make me feel better about myself. I got a new puppy, a little tea cup Chi. Quit smoking and got a vapor now, which is really helping with the no smoking. S*** I am doing a lot of things but as soon as something bad happens in my life I immediately turn to suicide and honestly I do not know what to do to stop it anymore.

With all that said I have been thinking about what to make my blog about for the last few days and tonight I finally came up with something I think is very good. Fight or Flight. What is your method. For me it depends. My whole life growing up I was a fighter, but slowly as time went on and the abuse went on I start to take flight and run away. Now I am both. Depending on the situation I normally run away at first but then in the long run I fight because well honestly that is who I am. I will fight for my freedom from my ex husband, I will fight to get my children back and for my children’s rights and by damn I will fight for my life. So what about you? Are you going to fight your battles or run away?

And here is the quote of the day,”Wherever my story takes me, however dark and difficult the theme, there is always some hope and redemption, not because readers like happy endings, but because I am an optimist at heart. I know the sun will rise in the morning, that there is a light at the end of every tunnel. ” By Michael Morpurgo.

Music, Feelings, and Stories.

“Love the way you lie” By Rhiannon and Eminem.

A song that brings up horrible memories, feelings and sadly the story of my life so far.

“On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don’t know why I’m still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you’ll always be my hero
Even though you’ve lost your mind”

This part of the song reminds me of many relationships I have been in and also how my Borderline Personality Disorder effects me. In the beginning of all my relationships I felt like everything was so perfect, like they were everything, and could make me happy. Then as time would go on I would realize that they are not who I thought they were, they were something completely different;evil. The thing is even though I know this I always stay with them, even though they treat me wrong and abuse me in many ways, I still look at them that are perfect, “my hero”.

I listen to this song so many times and tears just come to eyes because it reminds me of my failed marriage. How my ex-husband abused and controlled me and people knew about it, my family knew about it, some people stayed around and tried to help me get out, supported me with all of this but most  just stood around watching me get hurt and slowly fall into a deep hole of depression.

On the other hand I knew what was going on, who this man was and what he would do to me and yet I just stood there and allowed myself to get hurt. Allowed my children to witness horrible things, things I had to witness and feel growing up and I was putting my children in the same cycle.

I am trying so hard to break the cycle that has been repeating it’s self over and over again. I want better for my children, I want better for me. I want to be happy. So every time I hear this song I get so many different emotions; anger, pain, sadness, and regret. I never want to feel the way this song makes me feel again, and I do not want to re-live that kind of story over and over again. I want to break this cycle. I want to give my children a better life, God, I want to give them a chance. I have unfortuantly made so many mistakes in my 22 years of life and some of them have been huge and so wrong. I am so terrified to be alone, or I used to be but then when I temporary lost my children because of my suicide attempt I learned that I could be content being alone. That I don’t need a man in my life in order for me to survive, to be happy. I don’t want to “need” a man, I want to “want” a man. I don’t want to continue living this song.

I have many struggles and many mountains to climb but I will get me life together. I will make my children proud of me and give them the life they deserve, to give me the life I deserve.

Rules, Lies, and the Wish to Die.

Rules, Lies, and the Wish to Die..

Rules, Lies, and the Wish to Die.

So my title to my post is kinda strange and out there today. There is a very good reason for it. It is how my day has gone and how I feel.

So the first word Rules: My ex husband had yet again denied me to see my children today. His excuse this time, “too cold.” What the hell. If it is too cold for my daughter to go to her therapy session with me then it is too cold for them to go to daycare. If my son has a cough that prevents him from coming to my home then he does not need to be at daycare, which is a germ infested place anyway. I am so angry right now with how my ex husband keeps on breaking the rules but yet there are no consequences. Really come on people. I have not done anything wrong, nothing worth consequences at least. but yet he breaks all the rules and everyone looks the other way. I know what he is trying to do. He is trying to get me to call him, or come see him. He is trying to lure me in like a spider does to it’s prey. So that was one negative thing that started out not only my week but my day as well.

Second word Lies: That is just it, everyone lies. They lie to cover up the truth, they lie to get their ways, or they even lie to try to protect you. I feel like everyone is lying to me, even myself. I lie to myself everyday when I say “I am ok”, because truth in the matter is that I am not ok. That is where the third word comes into play today, the wish to die.

Part of my personality disorder, major depressive disorder and PTSD make it really easy for the suicidal thoughts to come into my mind when I am stressed or upset in anyway. It is very hard at times like this because my coping skills that I have learned over the years are self destructing or self medicating myself. For example cutting releases emotions for me like crying releases emotions for other people. As well as drinking or taking way too many anxiety pills. Anything to numb myself and get my head to stop running a thousand miles a second. And this is what I have been going through all day today because I hurt from not seeing my kids, I hurt because of the fact that my life is in shambles, and I am terrified that I will not be able to make it in this world because I have no way of making money and have court coming up, thanks to my no good ex husband who, say it again, “LIES.”

So yeah, everyone wonders about those who live with mental disorders. New flash people, we are not crazy, dumb, or messed up. We have a chemical imbalance because of severe tragic events that happened in our early childhood or adulthood. (Most likely childhood though.) I do not cut myself for people to see, I cut myself to release my pain, my tears in another form. I don’t drink to get drunk, I drink to get numb, to quiet my had from all the demons that dwell in there, and I pop anxiety pills to calm down my mind and let me go through the day without a care in the world.

This is what happens when you are abused for so long. You literally get so screwed up that you start to call yourself crazy and eventually try to end it because death sometimes sounds so much better then living a life that terrifies you.