Music, Feelings, and Stories.

“Love the way you lie” By Rhiannon and Eminem.

A song that brings up horrible memories, feelings and sadly the story of my life so far.

“On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don’t know why I’m still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you’ll always be my hero
Even though you’ve lost your mind”

This part of the song reminds me of many relationships I have been in and also how my Borderline Personality Disorder effects me. In the beginning of all my relationships I felt like everything was so perfect, like they were everything, and could make me happy. Then as time would go on I would realize that they are not who I thought they were, they were something completely different;evil. The thing is even though I know this I always stay with them, even though they treat me wrong and abuse me in many ways, I still look at them that are perfect, “my hero”.

I listen to this song so many times and tears just come to eyes because it reminds me of my failed marriage. How my ex-husband abused and controlled me and people knew about it, my family knew about it, some people stayed around and tried to help me get out, supported me with all of this but most  just stood around watching me get hurt and slowly fall into a deep hole of depression.

On the other hand I knew what was going on, who this man was and what he would do to me and yet I just stood there and allowed myself to get hurt. Allowed my children to witness horrible things, things I had to witness and feel growing up and I was putting my children in the same cycle.

I am trying so hard to break the cycle that has been repeating it’s self over and over again. I want better for my children, I want better for me. I want to be happy. So every time I hear this song I get so many different emotions; anger, pain, sadness, and regret. I never want to feel the way this song makes me feel again, and I do not want to re-live that kind of story over and over again. I want to break this cycle. I want to give my children a better life, God, I want to give them a chance. I have unfortuantly made so many mistakes in my 22 years of life and some of them have been huge and so wrong. I am so terrified to be alone, or I used to be but then when I temporary lost my children because of my suicide attempt I learned that I could be content being alone. That I don’t need a man in my life in order for me to survive, to be happy. I don’t want to “need” a man, I want to “want” a man. I don’t want to continue living this song.

I have many struggles and many mountains to climb but I will get me life together. I will make my children proud of me and give them the life they deserve, to give me the life I deserve.