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 May 19, 2014

   As I stumble about what to write about tonight whether it’s abuse or futures. Maybe National news or something to get people going, working harder. Honestly though I can only write about things that have happen or happen in my life. I guess this is why I named the blog “A bettered Woman’s Journey” because this is the journey through my life and what I have been through and what I go through day by day.

  This week has been a pretty hard week. I spent all night Sunday night with a bottle of pills deciding to take them or not because my heart hurt so badly because of all I am dealing with when it comes to my children as well as my ex-husband.

   I decided to keep going and made it through another day but it was so hard. My boyfriend kept on getting mad at me because I would sleep all day when he wanted me to do things around the house and with him. Now I am so lucky to have a boyfriend and his family who is so supportive about my situation and my depression but honestly some days I just want to bury my head and not remember anything, feel anything, I just want to be numb.

   Now I know when someone brings up the “suicide” word people think they are just looking for attention or they would have already killed themselves but in reality it is people really who are begging and pleading for help. 

  I guess time I mention it or make an attempt it’s a huge cry for help because the more attempts I make the more I learn about how to make a successful attempt. I even went to this therapy thing and the guy asked me if I had a plan and I thought to myself yes and I am perfecting it every day.                                                            May 20, 2014

   So a new Idea for my blog since I have had so much happened this week and hard to remember everything that has happened the last.

 I had found out my boyfriend has been have sexual activities the last six months and not even that but it was after he had asked me to marry him.  Then he wanted his wife back and has me as well sleeping in the garage made into a room. But then he “picked” me and I thought all this would all be over but no he is on the phone with her every day and going car shopping and furniture shopping. Gee, what in the heck am I to do all day when they will be out all day.

  My heart hurts so badly because I don’t know what to do. Iove this man always and forever and I knew he had an issue with “sex’ but he promised me he was not cheating because I found some interesting text. So what do I do? I gave this man and “our” family almost 20,000 dollars. So I have options anymore. I just wish he would completely honest with me. It is a pain I have never felt like I do right now, when you are lied to everyday.

Cortney L Taylor Gray

Aside  —  Posted: May 21, 2014 in Uncategorized

A Taste of my Poetry!

Posted: May 11, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

This is a taste of my poetry when I was in my darkest Hours.

                                Secrets

“Mother and father please don’t hate Imageme because I told.
I tried to keep our family secret from being untold.
But you have to understand I was dying inside.
All the hate i saw from you, i literally feared for my life.
I know i was not easy, troubled they would say, but i kept on trying to tell you and mom i was being raped at eight.
Then it got worse, you two never got along.
One would do something then the fight would be on.
Then you decided to make it a choice, a little game between your pawns, which side do you chose, your dads or your moms? So we chose to live with dad cause sorry mom you were acting crazy and you yelled and you threw and broke my treasured box your father built for me, the only thing i had from him that i knew that he gave me.
After we got settled you became a ghost and dad and i didn’t get along. From the beatings and the bruising and the paddle on display, I learned to be a good girl and obey. I guess that’s where it all went wrong with Stanly you see, he told me to be quiet and keep looking at the pictures on the pink sheets. Yes I remember his name and the others as well, and the images, the feelings, the tastes, and the smells.
But i guess i was an easy target for those creeps because you see, you both taught me to keep my mouth shut, to keep secrets and to be sweet.

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 So as of Monday this week and became an engaged individual to the most perfect, charming, handsome, caring, and who’s  kisses just send fireworks going off in your head.

It was a crazy roller coaster before my fairytale in to come true.

My mother had come to me with a great temporary work as a caretaker of my Grandmother Lowe.

At first everything was going perfect until my fiancé wanted me home but he could not make a decision that would leave us with a long distance relationship.

Now here is when it all becomes the roller coaster. I had decided to choose my boyfriend at the time then staying with my mom. I know, I know, most people think I made the wrong decision, and thinks I should have choose my family. To those you really don’t know much about me would being calling me a traitor from my family. The thing is while I was down at my mom’s I felt more like an employee then a daughter. I know I had to take care of my Grandmother, who at this time was in a Nursing Home. It was very sad to see that Grandma had already given the her will and just wanted to be with my Grandpa and my Aunt.

Knowing all of this because I could not lose Mark. So it then it became a nightmare because my mom was doing her normal crazy talk and her boyfriend who didn’t give a damn about anything but his poker games. After all of that my mind was going crazy and I was simply crushed. So I take a handful of pills and then went into a deep silent drama free sleep.

I woke up the next morning to my crazy mother

And honestly I did not want to be around that day, so I take another handful of pills and just chilled as I was waiting to fall asleep until mark could come and get me from these very judgmental people. Unfortunately my mother had lost her patience and called 911 on my, even though I was completely fine just not wanting to be anywhere near her that day. Soon after she called I was whisked away to the Emergency room while being in an ambulance.

In the emergency room they had decided that I had OD as a suicidal plan to kill myself. I kept trying to tell the nurse and doctor that that was not an attempt on my own life but you should know that because I had an mental illness.

So as some of you are guessing if I went to a Crazy house or not. Truth is that I did. I was the most boring and horrible place to be, as well as, being short handled by A LOT. So I stayed there and tried to make of it until yet again I had to make a choice. This time it was yet again a decision of my family or my amazing boyfriend at the time. Tired of having to do this I had decided to do some very hard and mental notes in my mind and to find out which place was better for me. When I told my boyfriend that I didn’t know which one I will choice and he went crazy. Came up to see me for the “last” time then drove all the way back home. I was so hurt and crushed just as much as he was because he loved me and I loved him. SO the next day I was a wreck cause I had lost my last Grandparent and my boyfriend as well. So they put me on a new medication because I was dealing with a broken heart. By the time the next morning had appeared I had finally made my decision only for me, not for anyone telling what to deicide. It was my boyfriend “Teddy”, because I never wanted to leave him because he TRULY loved me for who I was and with all my greatness and with ALL my faults. As I was basking in that I was still in love the man of my dreams, I did not notice some serve side effects to the new medicine I was taking. First it was my right leg was not working for some odd reason, then my speech slowly turned into babbles. I told the nurses about the slow reactions to the medicine I was taking but they were too busy because of lack of employees to watch me slowing become a vegetable. Finally when I had fallen for the last time and did not get up or being able to talk, they finally decided to call 911 and this time it was an emergency. The whole night I do not remember and I was talking crazy to the nurses that my nephew who needed was in the hospital and I was just there to take care of him. They finally noticed that I was talking silly and holding on to the IV pole for dear life decided to get me into the bed and then turn on an alarm for whenever I got out of bed.

I have to say this was one of the scariest times of my life. I did not know where I was and what I had done to end up in the hospital. With all of that happening I had figured out that I was a person who had every right to live and be happy and then my boyfriend decided to drive 10 hours to be with me.

After he arrived in the early morning I was so happy to see him, to feel his touch on me and to kiss me, which totally made me forget about anything that was going on. Then the most amazing thing had happened, yes he proposed to me in the hospital in front of the staff there. Of course said I said yes and let me tell you I was so happy nothing could bring me down and that is when I finally figured out I needed to live, not only for myself but for my kids, as well as my fiancé. It took me almost really dying for me to figure that out. I guess I had an apathy or as I call it a come to Jesus moment. I prayed so hard and was saying Thank you for showing me the way of life and what could happen if I did not quit doing was I was doing to destroy my life.

So know I am back home, planning our committal ceremony and to say our vowels  to each other and live happily ever after because ladies and gentlemen I had finally found my prince charming.

So I say to whoever is reading this, “Sometimes life feels like there is nothing that you could do to become happy and finally decided to give up on life. Remermber this phrase off of one of my favorite movies,” “You are smart. You are beautiful and you are important.” Cause let me tell you all that God is Good all the Time but sometimes there is patience you have to learn in order to finally get your answer and let me tell you all I am a whole new purpose on life because “I am smart, I am beautiful, and I was important!”

Rest in peace Grandma Lowe and thank you for the best lesson I will ever have in my life. I love you and will miss you always!

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Good Friday

Posted: April 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

“But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5

These are a few Bible verse’s that I like especially for Black Friday.

I hope you all enjoy them as well.

I took this at a local church! I always love looking at that cross.

I took this at a local church! I always love looking at that cross.

Closing her eye's, to foget her pain that she see's

This is a picture taken by my friend when I was not looking. I had closed my eyes and tried to visualize a life without pain. I don’t know when that will be possible.

Image  —  Posted: April 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

Bible Verse

Sitting in the sun, feeling the amazing rays of the Sun and Blessed to be able to have all that I have!

Image  —  Posted: April 16, 2014 in Uncategorized
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For years and years, probably too many to count, women have been battered and abused, controlled and used, not treated equally with men, and even some murdered by the hand of their “lover”.  Between the Civil Act of 1964 which fought for no more discrimination based off of race, gender, religion, or color and the Woman’s Rights Act led by Susan B. Anthony, we as women have been fighting for equal rights as well as Domestic Violence.

    Now I am not going to say or bash that every man beats, controls, uses, or in any way abuses woman. Sometimes the tables are turned and it is the woman who is doing the abusing, which is most likely in the form of mental and verbal abuse then physical abuse. Though we fought all these fights and yes some we have won so woman can vote, work, and go to college like men have been doing for hundreds of years but we still have a huge fight on our hands around the world but also hidden inside houses in our own country of those who are too terrified to stand up for themselves and take a stand and end the abuse and leave the abuser but being one of those women I know how hard, damn for me seemed almost impossible to stand up to your boyfriend, husband or partner and say “Enough is enough” and leave.

    When I met my ex-husband I thought he was the most amazing man on this whole planet. He was so charming and made me have butterflies in my stomach when I was around him. We spent the most time together we could in the very beginning even though we both were very busy. I was an Eighteen year old single mother to my oldest daughter, who was only two months at the time, and also in tech school and finish my credits to get my High School Diploma, since I dropped out when I was 16. He treated me like a queen and my daughter like a princess. I even looked past the part that he was 25 years 7 months and 10 days older then I was. I didn’t care what others thought. I was or I thought I was in love with my true soul mate and within a month of dating we were engaged.

    From their he moved in with me 2 months later and from that moment on I slowly started to see a change in him. It first started with wanting to know where I was all the time and having to go everywhere with me. Then it went to anger and fights about me having guy friends and how I was not allowed to talk to them anymore or have any contact with most of my friends, no matter what the gender and even some of my family that he did not like.

    In the beginning I thought this was normal. This was my first “real” relationship, so I did as I was told and life very quickly got into a routine with him, my daughter and myself. We had everything always planned and when I wanted to go out on my own or hang out with my sister and our kids I was quickly told no but then he would take us to the park.

    Then months after moving in together I found out that we were expecting. I was so excited, as he was excited. He always wanted kids and was finally getting what he wanted. That was my gift to him, a child because I knew it would make him happier and our marriage and life better. Oh boy was I wrong. The very beginning of the pregnancy was very hard because they thought my daughter implanted herself into my tubes and we had made the appointment to terminate the pregnancy but by a miracle of God she was where she needed to be and had a strong little heartbeat! I was so happy and relieved and so was he and at that point I forgot everything that had happened to that point until the night he first physically abused me.

    I was around nine weeks pregnant, moody, and horrible morning sickness. One night after supper I had asked him if he could was the dishes and he said he would. A few hours went by and I asked him again so I could finish cleaning and he just flew off the wall and started screaming and throwing things around. I was just so over it so I went into the kitchen and told him to get out and that I would do the dishes if he was going to make a huge deal about it and then he kicked our very heavy duty plastic baby gate and came so close to hitting my nine month old daughter.

   I then freak out and run down the hall towards our bedroom yelling at him to get the hell out of my apartment and then next thing I know I was flying through the air in the hallway and hit the front door with my back and landed on the ground. After hours of pleading and begging for me to let him stay and how it was never going to happen again and it was my fault because I came running at him I finally forgave him and tried to move on with our life. From that moment on the next four years was completely controlled by my ex-husband and also dealing with his consequences.

    Along with the abuse from my ex my mental illness where starting to surface worse than they ever had and my life completely got out of hand and in the end I eventually let my husband win and attempted multiple suicide attempts in the past 6 months. Lost my children, even though I still have custody of them, they are not allowed to be around me without being supervised and it is only for one hour every week.

   I know what I did was wrong and I tried to take all the right steps with talking to Crisis Control staff and even going to a women’s shelter with my kids till I could get on my feet and get a home. I went to therapy two times a week and even a few times put myself impatient to get more help with my PTSD and BPD but I still kept giving him all the power.

   LADIES that is one of the hugest mistakes right there. Giving your power away to these men. Once they get that power and control it is so hard to get it back and some woman die trying and some die just because they give up.

  Even though the guy is charming and has completely won you over you should still watch for you warning signs of a toxic and abusive relationship.

Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

EXTREME JEALOUSY

Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and lack of trust, but the abuser will say that it is a sign of love. The abuser will question the victim about whom they talk to, accuse them of flirting, or be jealous of time spent with their friends, family, or children. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work or go to school for fear of meeting someone else. The abuser may call the victim frequently or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may accuse the victim of flirting with someone else or having an affair.

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

One partner completely rules the relationship and makes the decisions. This includes “checking up” on the victim, timing a victim when they leave the house, checking the odometer on the car, questioning the victim about where they go. They may also check the victim’s cell phone for call history, their email or website history. The abuser may control the finances and tries to tell the victim how to dress, who to talk to, and where to go.

QUICK INVOLVEMENT

The abuser comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship, pressuring for a commitment and claims “Love at first sight” or “You’re the only person I could ever talk to”, or “I never met anyone like you before”. Often, in the beginning of a relationship, the abuser is very charming and romantic and the love is intense.

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Abusers expect their partners to meet all their needs and be “perfect”. They may say things like “If you love me, then I’m all you need”.

ISOLATION

The abuser tries to keep the victim from friends and family by putting down everyone the victim knows, including their family and friends. They may keep the victim from going to work or school.

BLAMES OTHERS FOR THEIR PROBLEMS AND FEELINGS

The abuser does not take responsibility for their problems, blaming others (usually the victim) for almost everything (“you made me mad”).

HYPERSENSITIVITY

An abuser is easily insulted and takes everything as a personal attack and blows things out of proportion.

CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN

The abuser may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain. They may have unfair expectations of children or tease them until they cry.

“PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE IN SEX

The abuser may throw or hold their partner down during sex, may pressure their partner into having sex, may demand sex when their partner is tired or ill or doesn’t want to have sex. They may ask the victim to do things they do not want to do.

VERBAL ABUSE

The abuser says cruel and harmful things to their victim, degrades them, curses at them, calls them names, or puts down their accomplishments. The abuser tells their victims they are stupid, and unable to function without them. They embarrass and put down the victim in front of others as well.

RIGID SEX ROLES

The abuser believes in rigid gender roles and sees women as inferior to men and unable to have their own identity. They may see men as the “master of his castle”.

DR. JECKYL AND MR. HYDE

The abuser experiences severe mood swings and the victim may think the abuser has a mental health problem. One minute they can be charming and sweet and the next minute they become angry and explosive. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners.

PAST BATTERING

The abuser has a history of past battering of partners and although they may admit to that, they say their previous partner provoked them to do it. A batterer will beat any partner they are with if the person is with them long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not cause a person to have an abusive relationship.

THREATS OF VIOLENCE

This includes any threat or physical force meant to control the victim: “I’ll kill you”, “I’ll break your neck”, “If you ever leave, I’ll kill you.”

BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS

This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking treasured possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may break or strike objects near the victim to frighten them.

ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT

The abuser may hold the victim down, restrain them from leaving the room, may push, shove, or hold them against a wall.

“Adapted from “Project for Victims of Family Violence”, Fayetteville, Arkansas and the Domestic Violence Resource Center of South County materials.”

   So if you can say that some of the signs are true in your relationship or maybe even if was just a couple, you might want to take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship and if it is toxic and abusive get out of it early while it might be a little easier.

   When the red flags start to fly you can either act upon them and decide to end the relationship before you get too deep and stuck in the relationship or you can do what I did a couple of times and ignored the red flags and replace them with all the great things about the man, even though they were truly lies, and get sucked into an abusive controlling relationship that is so hard to get out of.

   Even though my ex-husband and I are divorced the mental and psychological abuse never ends. It is so bad that we are court ordered not to have contact each other in any form or fashion because he is one of my biggest triggers with my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.) Which honestly, is worse on the children then him because we cannot discuss matters about the children? I tried so hard to co-parent with him but all he wanted was to bash me and bash me until I would give in and give up and go back to him but the last time I would not and that is when I tried to end my life.

     I regret that decision every day of my life because it hurt my children and hurt me in a way I have never hurt. I cannot be with my children all the time, be there for their birthdays this year, and miss out on their milestones and successes. It hurts so bad every day. My heart truly is broken in a way that no man could break it. It is a broken heart of a mother.

  So now I am trying harder to help myself heal and work my butt off to get my children back into my custody. So ladies or even men, please use my story as a possible outcome for you if you stay in a toxic and abusive relationship. NO man is worth your tears and NO man is worth your life being taken away.

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004    Through my journey the past 2 years with getting out of my abusive marriage, being a single mother of three amazing young children, and then finally dealing with my past and mental illnesses, which led to my multiple suicide attempts in the past 6 months, and getting my children removed from my home because of the attempt, I have finally figured out what I have been doing wrong. Giving up my power and my will.

    In the very beginning ,even as a child, I always gave my power up to other people and allowed them to control me. Between my mother and my father, trying to keep both of them happy, as well as trying to be whoever my friends wanted me to be, in order to make them happy. I always put others before myself and in return I have never let myself be happy or find out who I am.

   Another thing I have been doing wrong in my life is picking relationships with men who are extremely toxic. Between my first boyfriend and his drugs, then to my biggest mistake, my ex-husband. The four year reign of terror my ex-husband put my children and myself through. Between the physical abuse and the horrible emotional and psychological abuse, I had finally let go what little of myself that I had and gave all my power and control over to him.

    When I finally decided enough was enough for my children’s sake, I packed up what little I could put into my car and left 180 miles with three babies and no where to go to. I tried so hard to be the perfect single mom I could be for my children and also wanted to find myself and be free from my ex’s control and abuse.

     In the beginning I did pretty well. Got a great nursing job in less then a week of leaving my ex and then got a home for my children and myself in less then a month. I then filed for divorce and tried like hell to beat my ex, but unfortunately I yet again gave up all my power and control to him and went back to my marriage and dropped the divorce. Many people were so upset with my for getting back with him but they do not understand the hell I went through for eight months with his emotional abuse on not only me but my children as well. I know it was a wrong choice and a really bad path for me to start following but I broke.

    Within three months of being back home with my ex husband and children I finally hit rock bottom and had planned my first suicide attempt. I had no other clue what else to do. He was so controlling and I was so scared that honestly death seemed like it was the only way out. I was then sent to a behavioral hospital and in there planned my escape from my ex again.

  I could keep going on and on about bad choices I had made that has to do with my marriage and eventually my life and my kids. Taking the handfuls of pills in November finally felt like I was going to be free. As you can see my attempt was not successful(Praise God) and I yet again went into another hospital. I think I spent most of 2013 going in and out of hospitals.

   So 2014, New Year, Better start right? Wrong! I hit a huge depression from not having my children with me anymore and started spiraling down. Drinking first, then when that did not work I started the only other thing I know what to do, cut. I started slicing my wrist left and right. The more I cut the better I felt, for a few minutes. I had finally lost it one therapy session and ran home sliced my arms and went to start downing Xanax. After two cuts and several Xanax later in about 5 minutes after leaving my therapist, two police officers show up at my door. I tried to ignore them at first and turn my music up louder but they kept knocking. So I said “what the “fuck”, took some more Xanax, through a hoodie on and opened the door to two police officers. You know what happened next.

 Three weeks later after being in the hospital I got out and decided I was going to make better choices, find a way to be happy and get my life back. I finally stood up for myself, got rid of a few negative people, met some new people and one of whom I fell in love with but even how hard I tried to be happy I could not. So yeah yet again suicide attempt number three. One ambulance ride later and a night in the ICU I was sent home and this time figured something really important out!

  With my Borderline Personality Disorder and Major Depression, I am not going to be happy all the time. Life is going to be harder for me then it is for others. I will have to try harder, laugh louder and love harder. This time though I will make it through somehow. It will not be easy, and I will have my days but I will get my life and my children back and prove to those who tried to put me down for good that my God and I am stronger then they are.

  Took a very long time for me to figure those few small things out. I lost a lot and did things I wish I could take back but I grew more within myself and now have so much more will power and so much more to live for! That is the growth within me.

“Every flower takes time to bloom” -Cortney Taylor

What about you?

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A Twisted World

Posted: April 5, 2014 in Uncategorized

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Just as shown in this picture I took this morning, life its self is twisted.
From everything to Laws to all the terrible things happening ,by terrible people.
In my life it seems like my life has been nothing but twisted but it is time for my to take the time to untwist my life.
Some call me selfish because I am spending time with just me and things to do for me but honestly I don’t anymore.
I miss being a mother to my children 24/7 but for them I need to reconnect with myself, find out who I am and how to fix the negative things in my life that keep me from being the best mother, person, and partner.
So my question to you guys is what is so twisted in your life and can you untangle it?

The Up's, The Downs, and Everything in Between.