Rules, Lies, and the Wish to Die.

So my title to my post is kinda strange and out there today. There is a very good reason for it. It is how my day has gone and how I feel.

So the first word Rules: My ex husband had yet again denied me to see my children today. His excuse this time, “too cold.” What the hell. If it is too cold for my daughter to go to her therapy session with me then it is too cold for them to go to daycare. If my son has a cough that prevents him from coming to my home then he does not need to be at daycare, which is a germ infested place anyway. I am so angry right now with how my ex husband keeps on breaking the rules but yet there are no consequences. Really come on people. I have not done anything wrong, nothing worth consequences at least. but yet he breaks all the rules and everyone looks the other way. I know what he is trying to do. He is trying to get me to call him, or come see him. He is trying to lure me in like a spider does to it’s prey. So that was one negative thing that started out not only my week but my day as well.

Second word Lies: That is just it, everyone lies. They lie to cover up the truth, they lie to get their ways, or they even lie to try to protect you. I feel like everyone is lying to me, even myself. I lie to myself everyday when I say “I am ok”, because truth in the matter is that I am not ok. That is where the third word comes into play today, the wish to die.

Part of my personality disorder, major depressive disorder and PTSD make it really easy for the suicidal thoughts to come into my mind when I am stressed or upset in anyway. It is very hard at times like this because my coping skills that I have learned over the years are self destructing or self medicating myself. For example cutting releases emotions for me like crying releases emotions for other people. As well as drinking or taking way too many anxiety pills. Anything to numb myself and get my head to stop running a thousand miles a second. And this is what I have been going through all day today because I hurt from not seeing my kids, I hurt because of the fact that my life is in shambles, and I am terrified that I will not be able to make it in this world because I have no way of making money and have court coming up, thanks to my no good ex husband who, say it again, “LIES.”

So yeah, everyone wonders about those who live with mental disorders. New flash people, we are not crazy, dumb, or messed up. We have a chemical imbalance because of severe tragic events that happened in our early childhood or adulthood. (Most likely childhood though.) I do not cut myself for people to see, I cut myself to release my pain, my tears in another form. I don’t drink to get drunk, I drink to get numb, to quiet my had from all the demons that dwell in there, and I pop anxiety pills to calm down my mind and let me go through the day without a care in the world.

This is what happens when you are abused for so long. You literally get so screwed up that you start to call yourself crazy and eventually try to end it because death sometimes sounds so much better then living a life that terrifies you.